On the word "Goal"

Now, the word "goal" is a perfectly good word. "Something to be accomplished." Nothing wrong about it. But for me...somehow the word "goal" gets twisted and morphed into, "I'm doing it, so you should do it too." Like, "My goal is to get through college without debt," or something like that. "My goal." Two perfectly innocent words suddenly become full of pressure. "My goal should be your goal too, because I acheived my goal, and if i can, you can."


Why is that? I don't know. You'd have to ask my subconcious. I'd rather use, "Things I want." Things I want. simple, and it means the same thing, pretty much. But these words carry no pressure or anything. Which is what I love about them. It's probably that letter "I." I. Me. Mine. No one else's.


Some things I want: to fall in love; get married in the temple; be a mom; be an author.
Feels less of a to-do list when i call it things I want instead of goals.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!

One of the many things I love about November is when the radio stations start playing Christmas music. To my great delight last Friday when I went home, the radio was playing the Christmas music that I love.


Now, I know a lot of people are gonna rise up with their torches and pitchforks to complain that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas. I know that. but, believe it or not Christmas music makes me excited for Thanksgiving.


Why? Because the songs remind me of being home, where either something from the oven or a candle warmed the whole house. It makes me think of home. It makes me feel like a little kid again. It brings me home. And who are you to make me feel that I'm not at home, comfortable and safe? Who are you to deny me my childhood memories?


Besides, we only "get" to listen to this music once a year, so I say we live it up and listen to it from the moment they start to the moment it ends.


Maybe why winter is so dreary after New Years is because there's no Christmas music to get us excited for anything.

Update 9: Sick Day, New Shows & More.

Hello, world! or all 5 of you that follow me. Anyways, I didn't update the blog for a while because I was sick. With a cold. And I was rather miserable. I took my first sick-day for school. It was a very boring day here at home, but I needed it. I just felt so lousy, and I didn't want to spread my sickness around any further. So I hunkered down and got feeling better.


I have two new shows I'm in love with. Number One is Once Upon a Time. Oh good GRAVY do I love this show! First off, I love fairytales and fantasy, second, I love a character driven show. And (so far) there's not a lot of emphasis on having sex or anything like that. I will probably be buying this series once it come out on DVD.
My other new show is an anime called Rozen Maiden. A very basic plot outline: There are these dolls that come to life and have very strong personalities. The twist? They must kill each other in order to become the perfect girl. Love it? Oh yes...


Let's see what else is there? OH! I had a last minute costume for halloween. I was a fairy (wingless fairy). My roommate had these butterfly masks and she let me have one. I painted it myself and I was quite proud, but it lacked...that Nessa flair. As I was walking home from school, it hit me: you have nail polish. Sparkly nail polish. So I wore a blue dress i had (points to me for keeping it up here!) with my mask on my head. Yeah i know you're supposed to wear the mask to cover your face, but then no one would know who I am. OH, i wore it for a ward Halloween party FHE thing :) Yay me!


Hopefully, I won't go as long in between posts again. But hey, I have a life to live, so I will go live it.

The Eighth Update: Lucy, Nails, Ice Cream, Rabbit on the Side of the Road

Hey gang! How are you all? that's a ridiculous question. You all want to know how I'm doing! Well, I'm doing very well. I got a 77 on my math test! that's almost 80! Yay me!


One of my friends broke up with her boyfriend earlier this week. So, Friday, we had an impromtu girls night, which included watching I Love Lucy (love this show so much!), painting our nails, and going out to get italian ices. it was so much fun.


As we're driving to the place, on the corner at the light was this guy, dressed in a bunny suit. I don't know why he was there, but he was there, and it made my night.


After our italitan ice/pizza run, we watched psych. I think i found a new favorite show.


what really made me glad was the chance to help a friend in need. I've been needing to see my friends, and I think i've been needing to offer help to my friends. It's been a good bonding experience for us.


Now for the whining part. So, um, one of my roommies is sick. and while I feel bad that she is sick, I feel more paranoid that I'm gonna get sick next! While I know I haven't been around her much, if someone I know is sick, I become super germaphobic/hypochondriadic (don't know if that last part is a word) for like, 24 hours. it's really sad actually. A cold, fine, i can handle that. Anything other than a cold...*goes on self quarantine* I also should get like fifty points for that last word because I could NOT, for the life of me, remember it.


Well, that's all i have to say about my week. Catch you all next week for sure, maybe sooner if i'm bored.

Update Number 7: On that strange thing known as the future

Life is going good. The sun is out, it looks like a great day today, and I can outside without feeling like i'm going to freeze to death.


Just last night I had sushi for the first time. I don't think I love it, but it's tolerable. Like, i can see why people like it. Me? Just give me potstickers and rice and egg rolls and I'm happy.


Boys. Ugh, boys. At the moment, I think there are 3 guys after me. I know of at least one. the other two are just thoughts/word of mouth. But oh boy...I don't know what to do! I mean, I want to find a guy, fall in love, blah blah blah...but I'm just not ready for it now. I'm not ready to be married. Do I want to? Of course I do. But I need to grow up some more, I think. I think I need to learn a little more about myself before I'm totally ready to settle down.


What do i want to be when I grow up? Um, good question. All I really want to be is a mom. But life is unpredicitable, and I want to be prepared for the unexpected. But I don't know if I can teach English or not. I just want to write.
Ever since I was 13, I discovered a way to play make-believe while still sounding somewhat sane: writing. Ever since then, I've come up with lots of ideas (who am I kidding? I ALWAYS have ideas.) for stories. Will I ever get published? I don't know. I'd like to, but I honestly don't know.


I'd like a paus button for life. I just need to think about things here.

Rainy Days

It's been raining for the past 3 days. I miss the sun. There is snow in the mountains. Yay for snowpack...


I'm not ready for winter yet. I don't have any of my winter clothes up at school. Not only that...it's too dreary. I don't know how people who live where it rains a lot do it. Besides, I don't have that many books that need reading on these rainy days.


I do love how the cold makes places more cozy. I like cozy. I think cozy is one of those things we humans forget a lot. Mmm...time for a blanket and a good movie, i think.

Update 6: General Conference

*sigh* It's Sunday morning. No cinnamon rolls. I miss that. It was always the highlight of conference: warm cinnamon rolls, drenched in frosting. *sigh* it's been 3 conferences since I last had cinnamon rolls. While that's not a huge thing to most of you, it is to me.


Mommade. Kinda like homemade, but made by my mom. I miss having her in the kitchen, cooking food. Everything she made was delicious. And I'm struggling to emmulate her meals at school. I miss coming home from school and having a new pair of shoes mom bought for me 'cause she couldn't wear them herself. I miss having things to wear that I can say with pride: my mom made it. Who am I kidding? I miss my mom.


That's what I love about conference. It speaks to my soul. It gives me comfort. It gives me a boost through the next 6 months. It's a reminder that there is a God, and He knows who I am. He knows all about me. He knows what I need to hear. It's a reminder for me to try a little harder to be a little better. it's not easy, but it's not meant to be easy.


One of the many things I love about conference is whenever President Monson speaks. He has a great sense of humor that I just adore. Whenever he recalls and experience, he gets into it, like he's reliving the experience. And it's so great to watch. But what's truly amazing is the convicition he has. Whenever you hear him speak, you know he believes every word he says. There is no getting him to deny what he knows.

Weekly Update Numbah 5: Birthdays, dating and football oh my!

Hello all! Once again, I have updated ye-olde blog. Anyways, moving right into the first item of business, I need to give a shout-out to my oldest nephew. Little guy (well, he'll be taller than me in a few years) turns 9 today. Crazy...he's been in my life for almost a decade. Which also means I'm getting old...crap.


So...since my title says dating, all of you are now on the edge of your seats (or sitting a little more upright on your bed, whichever one it is) with anticipation. Well, it was a blind date to the homecoming dance. In the afternoon, we went to a little park and played boci ball. It was mobile boci ball, as in we moved every round. Very fun. I went to the football game on my own since...well, people had other plans and some just weren't interested in football.


going to a stadium by yourself is scary. Just because I know that there are the mega creepy guys on the prowl, looking for confused scared girls like me. I ended up finding people I know, but I didn't really talk to them...they were in their own little world. So, I watch the football game without anyone to talk to.
As much I as love to scream with joy...it sucks when you have to watch your team lose. 34-35. so close...So close...double overtime.
But what really was cool was watching the entire stadium stand up and scream, as we watched the whole game play out. It was aweinspiring. to watch a sea of blue scream and shout at the field below. And the football players kept urging us on to keep cheering. It was a moment I was proud to be a part of that.


After the game got out, we went to the dance. Now, it was supposed to be a '50's dance. Which would imply that they're playing 50's music. NOPE. it was either hip-hop/dirty dancing or country swing. Now, I like swing dancing. but...i got country-ed so fast.


Another thing that WAAY bothers me is that everyone does cotton-eyed joe WRONG! you do NOT do the Boot Scootin' Boogie to that song. You do the Cotton-Eyed Joe. Granted, I have to teach people, then have them teach others. But still. it's kinda common sense the Boot Scootin' boogie dance belongs to that song...


Oh, my date. Right. Well, it was fun. A lot of fun, and it was a blind date, so it was really good. No kissing (come on people. I'm not a first date kisser type) but we did hug. And he wanted to see me again. :) I think i can do this dating thing...

Update 4: Quarters

Hello, all! Time for another round of updates from Nessa.
This week..lemme see...um...did homework...um...slept...wow, my life is boring Oh wait! Last week I went over to my friends house and played games! that was fun! Oh! and I helped make a music video with my friends. :) that should be good. Oh! And I played just dance 2 with some boys and we had a follow-up with smash bros...which i beat the boys at. :)
Well, besides the boring parts....y'know, I'm trying NOT to have a boring college life, but people don't seem to realize that I'd love to get out and fun. But then again, I feel bad for intruding on others lives.


So, I did laundry yesterday, and it was weird. I was using quarters, like this was a vending machine or something. And then I realized the disporprotionate ammount of quarters I have to the ammount of laundy I need to do. Where do you get a roll of quarters anyways?


Being lonely is a very strange emotion. The truth is, you aren't alone when you feel lonely. You feel lonely when you're surrounded by people...yet you feel like no one cares about you. And even though i know I'm never alone, I still feel it. but I'm grateful for a roomie who is willing to listen to me. About anything and everything.
Yet...


Yet i miss being with my old roomies. Just because I viewed us as friends first and foremorst, roommates seocond. But when I see them...I feel like they've forgotten about me. Like I was just a person who happened to be there for seven months. I see them having fun, without me, and it hurts a little. Because to me, it means they don't care enough to invite me over for anything. They don't care about me anymore. While I know that may not be the case, that's how if feels to me. And it's very hard to deal with sometimes. I was willing to be there for them, because they were willing to be there for me...at least, I thought they were.


It was one of my favorite things about last year, was that we did so much together. It was so much fun. And, for the first time, I felt like I was grown-up. Like I was important, my opinions mattered, and that I was treated as an equal, not an inferior.
Of course, it was too good to last, and I was treated less than an equal and more of just...I don't know. It wasn't very fun though. I trusted them so much. I trusted that they would be there for me just as I was for them. But I felt unneeded, unwanted. And why? I still don't know. Only they know, and even then, I doubt the answer would satsify my wounded heart. While I hate to use strong words, they betrayed my trust. I cared more about them than they cared about me. Is it true? I don't know. From my perspective, yes, yes it is. Too bad for them.


I hope though, I can move past this and feel better about things. Because being negative is not part of Nessa criteria.

Weekly Update 3: I love watching football.

Okay, sorry for not updating sooner, but I wanted to give 9/11 the proper credit it deserves. Anyways, past weeks been good. Went to the Peach Days parade, came back, um...yeah, my life isn't very eventful.


But now I can talk about one of my favorite things of college: FOOTBALL!! Okay, this coming from the girl who spent her whole life hating sports because "they were dumb." So, to begin, at the beginning, of course, it wasn't looking good for the Aggies. 3 to 7. And by halftime, tied 17 to 17. I had my doubts we would win. However, Weber would never score again for the rest of the game.


Touchdown after touchdown. the fans going absolutely crazy. My vocal chords screaming in protest that I was screaming so loud. Yes...we just won. 54 to 17.
Sadly, i didn't bring my camera, but I will the next game. :)
I love college.

9/11...a decade ago

In many ways, it seems like a whole lifetime ago. I remember, I was in fourth grade, off-track. I woke up, and it was a beatutiful day. The sun was shining through my window. It wasn't until I went down stairs, where my parents were watching the t.v. There, I watched live footage of planes smashing into towers. and then, the towers collapsed in a plume of ash and dust. And then to hear the news that a plane had just crashed into the pentagon...my 9 year old mind didn't understand. What I saw did not register as real. This must be for a movie of some kind. Planes don't crash into buildings...I didn't know about terrorists or terrorism until then. But it was a world away from me.
I remember in the days and weeks that followed, all they could show was these plans crashing into buildins, over and over again, as if by doing so, they could mabye stop it. And I was tired of seeing this. "Everyone's seen this already. Stop showing it and lets move on to other news." But there was no other news...
Yet. I will never forget how America rallied together that day. Like December 7, a day similiar to 9/11, it was meant to crush our spirit, to show our enemies that we were the weaker nation.


both parties were wrong.


Our ancestors gave up their lives fighting for this country, and we were about to prove why we have won. Americans were united in purpose, prayer and duty. We wanted to find those responsible and amke them pay.


10 years later...I don't see the unitiy that once was there. It's replaced by the same callous attitude we had before. We blame the government, blah blah blah, and we aren't as united anymore. But we should be united, more than ever. We are the UNITED States of American after all.


I remember my senior year in high school, when the anniversary rolled around, I felt like I was the only one being patriotic. I was wearing red, white and blue because I wanted, in my small way, to show my respect for the men and women who gave their lives that day. It felt like everyone else was treating it as just another day.

The people I feel bad for now are the people, like my nieces and nephews who have to grow up learning about what happened at such a young age. I wonder if they'll believe us when we tell them what happened. Where we were on that day. Will they look at us like we're crazy? When they see the footage of the Twin Towers going down, will they scoff, and say that was done digitally?


But they need to know. They need to know that the country they still live in is now, and forever, the land of the free, and the home of the brave.

Looking at Life

I don't know why, but I'm feeling...sort of like I'm missing something in my life. Like something that once was there is gone. Only I don't know what it is exactly. I just feel like there's this void. Like...maybe someone is missing.


It's not my mom, though. I cry whenever I miss her most.


Maybe I'm lonely and i don't realize it. Maybe I'm just looking at living life and not actually doing it. But it's my life. I should live it how i want to. Yet...it doesn't feel totally right. It feels...too lonely.
I guess I'm a social person. I love talking. But I think, deep down, it stems from being alone so much as a child. Sure, it was good. I can entertain myself when I'm home alone. But when I had the chance to talk, it was like, I had to get all of it out all at once. I want to be heard. I want to be known. I want my voice heard. And I want to know, above all, that someone cares enough to listen.
Stuffed animals and Barbies don't make the best listeners. Because their responses are what you want to hear. not what you need to hear. Not only that, but talking to yourself is deemed kinda crazy.


Maybe when I see people having fun, I feel entitled to have that same fun. And be with those people at the same time. Aren't I their friends? Do I not say, "Hey, text me sometime?" which means, invite me to fun stuff you do? It should be obvious that I want to come along for the fun. To get out and do...something besides nothing! I want to be included. I want to be loved.


How do I start living life again, not just looking at it, wanting it to be mine?

Weekly Update Two: Woes of Math

Hello, all! Today I'm writing from the comfort of my home. :) Well, it would be a LOT more comfortable if I didn't have so much stupid Math to do.
Before I start ranting about how much I hate math, allow me to recap this week: Holy Cow this week was long. It seemed like every day dragged. Friday took forever to get here. However, my classes were good, and I'm looking forward to this sememster (minus math homework)
My roommies this year are wonderful. While it wasn't the same as last year where we all clicked right off the bat, we've got a nice bond so far. I think we'll be good friends for sure.
Let's see, what did I do with my newfound freedom since I got my key? Well, I've spent time with some old friends from last year, spent a long time reading books, some of which are as boring as tar. Went to villiage inn for my roommate's birthday party, and so far, living on my own is going great.
Now for my favorite part...ranting >:)


So, math brings out the worst in me. I become a raging, snarling, angry beast. All problems become blown up to the size of the galaxy and I work myself into a tizzy. And then I can't do math homework, even though I want to so I can get it done. Because once it's done, I can forget about it. Well, I wish. I do have to pass the tests...
This year I'm doing it on a computer. It's a new system, supposedly designed to help kids who aren't good at math taught in a traditional setting. At this point, I'm kind of preferring the old system. Because if I screw up, at least I can erase my answer before I turn it. This computerized system...I make one little mistake...one teeny tiny insignificant mistake...when it's a freakin' computer and it should be able to know what I mean...yeah, I'm mad. Also, I have a certain ammount of mistakes I can make before it boots me back into practice.


I dont' want to do practice anymore. I want to do the stupid math homework, get it right, and GET IT DONE!
I hate math because it's so..precise. There's no wriggle room. And it makes me work. Yeah, that probably most of all. The thing is, I get it in class. And then...when I go do homework...it turns into alphabet and math soup and it's written in...greek i guess. Yeah, they use greek in math.
anyways, allow me to have a moment of complete and totally anger.
A;KLJFKLASJKAS;LTKLASHRKASJFK;LAFKLSAHFSALRJKLADFJKASLFJSAKL FJIO I HATE MATH!!!
Ah...much better

Weekly Updates: Chapter One

i've decided that since I have so much time on sundays (church doesn't start until 1:30 (i'm going to die on fast sundays)), that I'll give my blog readers (all 10? of you) a little update on how I'm doing here at college, since I know there are some of you who worry about me.


So far, life's been good. it was hard to say goodbye to my dad, but after he left, things were better. Well, mostly. We arrived just as they closed the main office, and they're only open from 9-5 M-F, so I am currently keyless and stuck here until I get my own key. (Unless I go out with my roommates/borrow someone's key)


Since I've been kind of landlocked, I've found stuff to do. Since homework is, at this point, nonexistant, i've started up crocheting again. I learned how to do it several years ago, learning from the best: my mother.


There was a relief society activity where the sisters were taught how to crochet. I was in Young Women's at the time, and they were invited to join the relief society if they wanted to. so together, my mom and I started on making dishcloths.


Our finished products showed our skill level. My mother's was perfect, years of pracice showing through. Mine was longer, and far from the fished version my mother had. Mine was wider in some parts and skinnier in others. And yet...
Despite its imperfection, i'm proud of that dishcloth. I made, it, all on my own, with a little help from my mom. Now, as I'm making this one, it's much better than my last attempt. So far, it's staying square in shape. And everytime I make a link, i think of how this simple act of crocheting links me to my mother. How small and simple acts bind us together. What once was a crazy craft that my fingers and hands couldn't do, now is something i'm proud I can do.


I think Mom would be proud of me, too.

Back to School

I remember when back to school time was so much fun. There were new clothes, new shoes, and a occassional new backpack. And suddenly, when I got to college it all changed. Maybe it was because I was paying for everything myself...maybe it was growing up, but back to school became scary. Before, not a lot changed. The people were mostly the same in class. the school itself was the same. Except for in Junior high and high school. And then college came, and back to school became terrifying.


Everyone was new and different. Every year I would live in a new place. Nothing was the same. The joy of back to school stuff is lost in the dread that I am moving out. I am leaving home and all I care about. Not even the joy of being on my own can fill that void of being away from home.


sure, the people make a house a home. And I want to feel at home. To know I'm loved, and wanted and safe. I want to be home. Be home no matter where I am. No matter where the road of life may take me. I want to be home.


There's no place like home.

The Miracle of August 19th/20th

I was in my first car wreck last night. My friends and I were dropping off one of our other friends. We realize we're about to miss our exit. As we get to the off-ramp, we lose control. All I remember is left, right, and then I was upside down. I see the outlines of my friends unbuckling themselves and dropping to the roof of the car. As I'm hanging there (seatbelts work! wear them!) my first thought is, "We just crashed." My next thought is, "What do I do now?"


I was expecting pain. Lots of pain. And blood. yet there was nothing. All I know is that I'm hanging upside-down in car that just crashed. My friend releases me and I am free from the car. We crawl out the doors, and we start checking for injuries.


There are none. None of us are injured. We have a few cuts from getting out, but other than that, we're all fine. the driver breaks down into tears. My friends and I hug each other tight. All things considered, we should have been in much worse shape. We were going freeway speed (a little faster actually) when we lost control. I'm in shorts and flip-flops and there's no glass embedded anywhere in me.


My defense mechanism for stressful situtations must be humor. Or maybe it's me being optimisitc, who knows? But I start listing off the positives that have occurred. I start babbling how cool it is that we're sitting on an off-ramp. Further more, I'm grateful I don't have to be rushed to a hospital where they stick an IV up my arm and..ugh...can't even think of that right now. None of us have to go the hospital.


I consider texting my dad at this point, when I realize that I need to hear his voice. So I call, tell him I'm okay, my friends are all okay, and that I love him. As I hang up the phone, I start to cry. But it's gone quickly as, maybe subconciously, I need to be optimistic me.


The cops show up, legal business ensues, and as I'm riding home it hits me: I could have died. The thought never crossed my mind as we clambered out of the car. Not once in that space of a hour and a half did I think my life might have ended. At this, I start to cry, grateful for the fact that I'm alive, that I get to go home and hug my dad and tell him I love him.


I think my mom was there that night. I didn't have any visions or hear any voices. My life didn't flash before my eyes. But, considering we all got out of that car unscathed (well physically. Emotionally it was a ride for all of us), and that the car's airbags didn't deploy which probably would have trapped my friends in the front seat (I was in the backseat), we had to have had heavenly help.


So, a thank you to my Heavenly Father for keeping me safe that night, and sending me divine help when I needed it most. And thank you for knowing exactly which people needed to be there when the accident occured. Had it been just me, I don't know what I would have done. Also, to whoever decided to invent seatbelts: Thank you. You probably saved all of my friends lives that night.


You wanna hear something funny? As we're going into the crash, i plug my nose. Because I don't want ot get a bloody one. Or like, i'm going into a swimming pool or something and that's gonna protect me. yeah, my survival insticts are weird.

Change

I have never been one to change something about my life. Yet the old saying goes, "The only constant in life is change." Why though? why can't things that are good enough stay that way? Why do we have to lose something so great? Even if we get something better in return, we still look back on the past because...well, it was good.


Some changes i like. LIke, new nieces and nephews and friends. Some changes...I don't know how i feel about. Friends getting married, for example. Yes, i'm happy you all found your one true love. I just worry the flames are gonna die sooner than you think. And then you'll get into an argument and someone will say something that kills the relationship.


There's just so much change in my life right now, I almost can't stand it. Friends are getting married right, left, and center, making me feel like I have to do it too. I'm getting ready to move back to school and I have new roommates again. And I'm nervous. Nervous that a repeat of last year is gonna happen again. Where I'll get so close...and then have it all ripped away from me again. I don't want that to happen. but, once bitten, twice shy. And i know change is a good thing sometimes. Emphasise on the some of sometimes.


Then again, you're looking (metaphorically, of course) at the girl who didn't want to get her bangs cut in the first place. And now I don't want to change them to anything else.


I just don't understand why people want to change something when it's already so good. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Enough

I don't normally get mean and angry about things, but this is something I despise. I hate how, no matter what the actual weight is, girls call themselves fat. And it's as if this three letter adjective erases all other qualities about them. Never mind that their smart or clever, it's all nothing because they're fat. Never mind that they have a gorgeous smile and their laughter is contagious because they're fat. I hate how girls who are in great shape go to the gym because they think they're fat. (this may not be the case, but you have to admit, it goes through your head when you see those skinny girls working out). And if that's the skinny girls thinking they're fat, what do the girls who are a little larger feel? That they're morbidly obese?


And where do the girls get this idea that they're fat and not worth anything? Stupid magazines with photoshopped pictures. Yes, girls, those skinny models you see there, looking like they're slightly constapated? I'll bet you 9 of 10 photos are photoshopped. there are people who are paid to make people look skinnier. and you know something? It's ridiculous.


Beauty is found within. Even the prettiest girl in the world is ugly if she's a stuck up brat. But you know something? Being pretty isn't really worth much. So what if you've got the looks you've always wanted? What about your personality? That's what's the most beautiful about you. Not your weight or your hair color or style. That should all be a reflection of the girl inside. No, the woman inside.


Enough is enough. Just smile and list your talents rather than say, "I'm so fat."

Fixing my tower on the rocks.

I'm going to tell this metaphorically, so bear with me here.


Once upon a time, my life was pretty much perfect. My family loved me, i had great friends, and the worst thing I'd ever gone through was trek. My tower was tall, beautiful, and there was nothing wrong with it.
And then the storm of life began. My foundation for my tower was built on three rocks, my family, my friends, and of course, the Rock. The Rock of my Salvation. But, well, I didn't trust that Rock as well as I should have. Maybe though, in the back of my mind, I knew I could count on that Rock. It wasn't about to fail me.
My family rock suddenly developed a huge crack. And the best we could do was fix it. But the crack kept getting worse, until finally, a huge piece slipped into the sea. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.


A huge part of my tower had been on that rock, and so my wonderful tower tilted, and a lot of it fell into the sea. what made matters worse is that I was now in charge of piecing my tower back together on my own. My other family members had their own towers to fix.
So as the storm raged on, I started building again. I moved everything away from the broken rock and rebuild the foundation further in. My biggest supports though, were coming from my friends, and of course, the third Rock.
Suddenly without any warning, I heard the sound of the rock breaking. Prepared, I grabbed mortar and tried to fix what had gone wrong with my friend rock. But the mortar wasn't strong enough, and my tower collapsed further.


And then, after some time of fixing and repairing and doing the best I could, I was given more things to be placed in my tower: finding a job, getting a college degree, paying for school, getting on my own, growing up, getting married, finding a boyfriend, getting my life in order...and as I tried to shoulder all of these extra unneeded burdens, I collapsed in tears. I realized my tower wouldn't ever be perfect again. I was fed up, tired, and the extra burdens weren't helping at all.


So I plunked down to the third Rock, and started talking to it. "I can't do this. I can't make my tower go back the way it was. I have too much to do. Too much that I can't handle right now."
To my surprise, the Rock spoke back. "You haven't trusted me enough. The other two rocks are good, to be sure. But they are susceptible to the elements, to decay. They will not always be there to support you when you need it most. Trust me. I will never collapse on you. You will be able to get through your burdens, and they will become your greatest gifts. Build your tower on me. Though it won't be quite perfect, it will never fall into the sea."


So I take what I can and start over. Right now, I'm trying to trust myself to trust that third Rock. With that Rock, I know that it will support my tower in all I do. but I'm scared, because...well, that Rock is invisible. I know it's there. It has to be in order for my tower to stand at all. but part of me is scared that the Rock won't be there. that the support beam will just slip right into the ocean, never to be seen again. But the truth about the Rock is, that during the darkest, most terrible storms, that is when it is the most visible. When the sky clears, it fades away, but is still as solid as ever.


So right now, I'm trying to rebuild. Given my current standing in life, it's not easy. the memory of the rocks collapsing into the sea is still very fresh and sharp in my mind. yet, I know it'll be okay. That third Rock has yet to fail me. And so do the other two...in their own ways.

A Year Ago

My mother died a year ago today. And I've missed her so much.
For some background info, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor almost 4 years ago. She underwent surgery and follow-up radiation treatment. and for about 9 months, we were cancer free. Then, she had a relaspse. My parents decided to do a type of chemothearapy that involved my mother going to Las Vegas for a week. And I had to go stay with my sister. Not that i didn't love her, but I was struggling. Because all the concern went to my mother. and I felt like no one cared about what I was going through. i hadn't told my friends about this because if i did, my friends would treat me differently. They would only be concerned with how my mom was doing, not me. It was definitely a hard time in my life.
that summer, it was one of the best summer's of my life. We spent a lot of time together as a family. We got family pictures taken, and it really balanced out my horrible feelings i had had earlier that year.
and then...the cancer came back. By this time, i had accepted the fact that we would be battling cancer a while yet. But my mother knew that her life was slowly coming to an end.
My mother lost her ability to walk, which was hard of all of us, but especially her. She had to rely on others to help out where she had been excelling for years.
And then July came. her health had slolwy been deteriorating, but finally, we had to accept that she was going to die. We all gathered together and said our goodbye's on friday. On Sunday morning, she passed away.
I will never forget how my day went. I woke to my dad coming in, announcing that my mom had passed away. And i was fine with it. i rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn't until my sister came in that it hit: my mom was gone. She was never going to make another meal, she would never make me another outfit that i would wear with pride. I would never come home to find she had bought me a pair of shoes to go with the outfit she just made. My mom was gone. and all that day, I cried on and off. My tears were probably surpassed on thursday, when we had her funeral.
Then I was faced with the one thing I had been dreading since graduating high school: college. Only three short weeks after losing my mother I was to move away from my family and friends, my whole world, and embark on that crazy journey called college. But despite my mother's death, I wanted to go. Maybe deep down I wanted to get away from home for a while. Escape the realization my mom was gone. But I had a great first year of college.
And though I lost a great deal I gained a lot: I gained new friends, lots of life experience, and, most importantly, two little nieces and two nephews I wouldn't trade for a million other things.


So, you're probably wondering, how am I doing? I'm doing alright. The funny thing about grief and loss is that the pain isn't on specific days. Like today for instance. Many people would probably be sobbing their eyes out. But I'm not. I'm actually surprised I haven't started tearing up yet. usually i do whenever I talke about my mom. The tears come on random days...and mostly at night. I don't know why they seem to come at night. and usually, it's on a day where nothing at all relates to my mom.


but I think the way someone dies is part of how you grieve. Like, if someone dies suddenly, you feel regret and remorse at all the things you never did or said. Or maybe it's just that you didn't get to say a proper goodbye. But you know they didnt suffer before they died. when it takes time for someone to die, you wish it would happen just so they didn't have to be in pain anymore. The only plus is that you can say goodbye, and come to terms with death before it even happens. But everyone grieves differently. And Death affects us all in different ways.
But I don't want to remember my mom dying today. I want to remember her living. I want to celebrate the life she led. And I want my life to be the same.


This is how I want to remember my mom. I love you Mom. Miss you lots.

The End

Last night, i was lucky enough to go to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2. While I'm still sleep deprived now, I really feel the need to express my thoughts at the series finally ending.


I remember when I first started reading the Harry Potter series. The fourth book had just come out. And my family was making several long car trips that year, so they bought it for me to read in the car. And I remember being so confused at what was going on. In my mind, the house tables were all on clouds (don't ask me how i imagined that.), Harry and the other charaters had a lot of stuff going on that I didn't understand. Who was this Voldemort person? Why was Harry calling Sirius Snuffles? and how was he even related to Harry anyways. Why was he living with his jerkish relatives?


So after much persuation, and finishing the book with little answers, I read the first three books. And it finally all made sense. At last I understood why Harry hated the Durselys, who all these characters were, and it started to strike a chord with me.


and then the first movie came out. I became convinced, in my nine year old mind, that Hogwarts was real, and that in just two years time, an owl would be coming for me. Harry and his friends had to be real. A world as wonderful as this just couldn't not exist.

The gang as I remember seeing them the first time

Time went on, and I found myself dealing with the darker parts of the wizarding world. No one believed Harry. Everyone, it seemed, turned against him. The very people who should be protecting him, heck, honoring him, were all ignoring him. and then Harry lost someone so dear to him. The one person he had no right to lose...he lost.

By the time the sixth book came out, I had come to the very sad conclusion: Hogwarts, Harry, and all the other people of the wizarding world, only existed in my mind. And yet, there was something so very real about it. This was the first series where I laughed out loud (courtesy fred and george), where I almost cried...never before has reading been so powerful. it was so powerful, that a part of me was convinced...it still was real.


And then came the realization...I had only one more book. One more book to stay up until midnight to get. One more book that would end it all. And I remember, sitting in the bookstore, convincing myself, it wasn't the end quite yet. There were still two more movies (the seventh book hadn't been released yet, and I had no idea they were splitting it into two parts).


And unlike the previous books, where I skipped over the parts where Harry and co got in trouble (Looking at you, chamber of secrets!) i couldn't put it down. Every word was important. I couldn't miss a single detail. I couldn't stop reading. I had to force myself to slow down so I wouldn't finish it all in one sitting.


And then I read the final sentence, "The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well." And I was full of mixed emotions, like any good person should be. Happy for the journey I had been on, but sad that it was all over. But, i reminded myself, there were still two more movies.


Fast forward in time, and I'm in line for the last midnight showing of a Harry Potter movie. I was surrounded by people, costumed and uncostumed alike, all of us united by The Boy Who Lived. We all were there because of Harry. In my theater, the audience cheered when the good guys pulled off awesome stunts...and I heard the famliar strains of music from the first movie, which started to really bring the feeling that it was...over.


But it's not over. People still love Harry Potter. We always will. And if you have that small thing in common, you can always make friends. I met two girls who were standing next to me and my friend in line. There was a bond already there, because of Harry. Even though i only knew their first names, I was still thrilled that in the space of two hours (ish) we became friends.


And now, I need to thank the woman who brought us Harry. Thank you, JK Rowling, for having the courage to push through failure, to push through your struggles, and to write the story of a young boy who was a wizard. Thank you, for inspiring me to read, for inspiring me to write. For inspiring me to become like you. That gift alone is something I cannot repay you. and you'll probably never read this, so you'll never know.


But, as one little boy said to George Lucas when the Star Wars series ended, "Thank you." Thank you, for showing us that love, friendship and loyalty are more powerful than power, greed, hatred, envy, and even death.


My favorite line from all the Harry Potter books is, unsurprisingly, a Dumbledore one: "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. But why should that mean that it's not real?"

Dollar for your Thoughts

I know the saying is "A penny for your thoughts," but I'm in the mood to share more than a penny's worth of my thoughts, or even my two cents worth. I'm talking a whole dollar's worth of thoughts here. For those of you who have forgotten (or just ignored the penny's value), one hundred pennies equal a dollar. That's right, one hundred of my little penny thoughts are going here. Don't think I have that many? Just watch me.


1. Happiness doesn't depend on your surroundings or the people you're with. It depends on you. You make yourself happy. I mean, look at people who live in third world countries. They have maybe a tenth of what Americans have, and yet...they're some of the happiest people on this planet. Why? They know stuff doesn't bring true happiness. They can make themselves happy.


2. Have fun once in a while. Yeah, work is good and all, but you need to have fun in life. I mean, what's gonna happen otherwise? "All work and no play makes jack a dull boy." How do I know fun is important? Because it was one of the 8 needs on The Sims. And if fun was low, then your sims wouldn't do anything. So, even though lessons in video games dont' usually mix with real life, this one does. Fun is something everybody needs. Take a break from that paper. Take a break from reality. Even if it's just ten minutes, you'll feel better. Sure you could push through it and get done, but Mary Poppins said it best, "In every job that must be done there is an element of fun. You find the fun and snap! the job's a game. And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake." Give it a try, why don't you?


3. Your friends are your friends for a reason. They care about you. They wouldn't care if you suddenly revealed to them that you're a fairy or alien from another planet. And if they mind, they're not your true friends. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."


4. Take time for the people you care about. Sometimes, just spending a little time with someone is enough to remind them that you care about them. Besides, what if the last time you spend time with them is the last time you see them alive? Treat each time spent with the people you care about as if it might be.


5. Take friendships seriously. Seriously. Keep in mind your slightest actions, or even inactions, can affect others. Don't act as if another friend is going to come along like the next bus. People are not buses. They are unique and different, and may only cross your path once. Friends are once in a lifetime treasures that need to be cared for. Take care of your friends and they'll be there for you.


6. If someone does a favor to you, you had best return it. If you keep receiving favors and don't pay it back, it makes you seem like a jerk (which you are) and makes the other person seem like wuss (which may or may not be the case). Besides, you should want to return the favor, and sooner rather than later if you're honestly and truly their friend.


7. Don't send mixed signals. Don't have your actions and words contradict each other. Don't say what you mean, ACT what you mean. Actions speak louder than words. People will forget what you say, but they will never forget what you did.


8. Waiting for something will not kill you. Waiting is good for you actually. You learn paitience. And in today's society of instant gratification, a little patience is rapidly becoming rare. Of course, the reason people don't have paitence is because they're selfish and lazy. Which leads me to


9. you are NOT the center of the earth. You are on the earth which is orbiting around the sun, which is orbiting in a galaxy which is orbiting around a supermassive black hole which in turn is orbiting around something else probably. Translation, the universe doesn't bow to your every whim. and if you expect it to...i laugh at you.


10. People will always be more important than any task at hand. Give your time to the people you love.


11. Work is good. people should work hard. But you need to take time to make some memories. I mean, do you want to look back on your life and say, "Man, that was so boring/ that sucked." Quite frankly, how good your life is gonna be is up to you.


12. Plato was right. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is going through a battle." Everyone is having their own problems. But people are very good at hiding these problems, and probably won't make it known. So be sensetive to others, because they're fighting their own personal battles just like you.


13. When you're driving, use your turn signals. I can't read your mind, you're protected by a steel cage padded with leather and foam. Also, don't assume everyone else is in your way to your destination.


14. Stop and smell the roses. No, really, take some time off from the hectic go-go-go attitude of life. appreciate the small moments.


15. You don't find memories, you make them. So be willing to drop everything and play with your kids/friends. You'll be old and gray before you know it.


16. "I'll be happy when I'm married." "I'll be happy when i'm out of high school." "I'll be happy when i have a child." Quit waiting for happiness and go out and make it! You can be happy before and even during these times. The longer you wait for happiness, the harder you have to search for it.


17. Drama is caused by miscommunication. Communicate, and don't let something as petty as, say, laundry or a boy, ruin a perfectly good friends.


18. Shut up and listen. Seriously, shut up. Close your mouth, turn off the t.v., cell-phone, whatever could distraction and open your ears. Watch the person for verbal cues and then when they're finished, and only then, should you talk.


19. Don't offer advice unless people specifically ask for it. Kinda being hypocritical here, but these are pieces of my mind. So technically it's not my advice.


20. Don't be hypocritical. If you are something, act like it. If you're not something, don't start acting like one. Basically don't confuse people.


21. Stand up for what you believe in. "Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything." Even if it's among your own friends, do it. "It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to our enemies. But a great deal more to stand up to our friends."


22. Your parents know a lot more than you give them credit for. So when they're telling you something, listen to them. They're just trying to protect you.


23. Boys, there are PLENTY of girls who are just waiting for a prince charming to show up. So get off your high horses and accept that all girls are beautiful and start sweeping us girls off our feet.


24. Girls, yes, boys are stupid a lot of the time. So don't expect a white knight to come one day and take you to his castle. instead, wait for the guy who awkwardly knocks at your door, hoping you'll still be as crazy about him twenty years from now as you are right then. See the boy you love as a prince, and you'll find true love.,


25. True love is not Romeo and Juliet love. That's called infatutaion. Everyone has their flaws. True love is putting someone's needs above your own, not killing yourself because your love just died. really, that just causes drama. And death.


26. Never plan anything too far in advance. You never know what's going to happen. Don't expect your life to go according to a plan. Murphy's law is just waiting to happen. What you should expect is that life will be sponteanous and crazy fun.


27. Don't assume your views are the only correct view on anything. People are entitled to their opionions, and it's rude to try and force people to believe what you believe.


28. If you don't help, you have no right to complain. This counts for food, elections and other projects.


29.I remember being young and all everyone wanted to be was grown up. Not me. I was happy being a kid. I had my whole life to be old. Why should I want to act like I was all grown up? Sure, i played House and I was the mommy...sometimes. But the point is, once everyone was all grown up, everyone wanted to be little kids again. Me? well, i still want to go back somedays, but i had a good childhood. I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. I'm happy being where I am. I alwasy have been.


30. No matter how much you may hate it, exercise is good for you. Not just physically, but emotionally too.


31. never look a gift horse in the mouth.


32. Cartoons today suck (with a few exceptions). They rely on potty humor, crude humor, and just plain stupidity. I mean, its like only boys watch tv. Hey, I'm a girl and I like to watch tv just as much as boys do. That why i loved powerpuff girls growing up. it was a girls only show. The trouble is, i always got stuck with buttercup, the least favorite powerpuff girl. Now though, she's way cooler.


33. Avoid making other's suffer through your drama. the only way outsiders should be involved is to vent frustrations. Don't drag them into your drama with you. They hate it just as much as you do.


34. Girls, you are NOT fat. You are wonderful, and pretty and so talented. I'm sick of hearing perfectly good looking girls whine about how fat they are, as if that negates all other qualities about them and that's the only thing people see. if you don't want people to see that, show off your other qualities instead.


35. Everyone has good in them. Some people, it's very easy to see. Other people...well, you wonder sometimes. But there is good in everyone. You just have to look for it.


36. Read the directions. I mean, is this one REALLY that hard?


37. Be honest with people. Not brutally honest, but honest enough that they'll trust you to be so.


38. Be happy about who you are. Yeah, some days, "It sucks to be me." The thing is, you can handle those sucky days a lot better than someone else can.


39. Until you personally experience the pang of death, be kind to those who have lost loved ones. Some deaths are harder to get through than others. I say get through because you never get over losing someone so close to you. You just get through it. Some days will be better than others. Some days, people who have lost loved ones will be perfectly normal. Other days, all they want is a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. Be there for them in both times.


40. Harry Potter is better than Twilight. With HP, you can have a serious discussion about deep topics. With Twilight, you can only argue who's better: Jacob or Edward.


41. Hike a mountain. Any mountain will do. When you're at the top, look down at what you see. Be amazed at nature.


42. Go outside and enjoy a sunny day. Yeah, there's plenty like 'em. But today might be the day something special happens.


43. I know there's some dumb saying about 42 muscles to from but only 9 to smile or something like that. I'd like to say, laugh, and laugh often. it's good for you. Studies show people who laugh live longer. Why take life so seriously? No one gets out alive anyways. (that's a joke. Laugh!!)


44. Take the time to read a book. Not an e-book. A real, honest to goodness, paper book. Maybe even an old one, and enjoy that smell of old used book. New book it good too, but there's just something about old book...


45. Stop being so lazy. Go get a job or at least do something. Stop living off the hard work of other's people. your great-great grandfathers are rolling in their graves at your laziness. (This is directed at lazy people who don't want to get a job, not at you unfourtunate people who can't find a job.)


46. Only if you are a mom with kids should you do ANYTHING while sick. I don't care if it's school you're missing or work, STAY HOME! Keep your germs to yourself! Take care of yourself. let yourself rest. Don't make the rest of us share in your sickly misery.


47. Music is amazing, so listen to the good stuff. Not that rap crap. because you can shout and swear and complain about life without having to make it music.


48. Sleeping under the stars is good for you. It makes you realize how, in the scale of the universe, you're a speck of dust on a speck of dust floating through a bunch of dust. And yet, so much happens on this speck of dust.


49. Horton said it best, "I meant what I said and I said what i meant, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percet." And "A person's a person, no matter how small."


50. Annoying people of the world...go away. Seriously. No one likes you. Also, stupid people...just...don't.


51. You wanna know why everyone's all, "Don't do drugs?" because they wreak havoc on the inside of your body (and the outside too), and then you can't live without the crap because you're so addicted to it...I mean, really, do you want to get cancer, have hallucinations, get permanent brain damage, and make yourself dependent on something you honestly don't need?


52. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Why assume the worst when you can hope for the best?


53. Marriage is between a man and woman. That's how it's been for millenia, and that's what i stand by.


54. bad things happen to good people. This, however, is not without reason. All things shall work together for your good.


55. Can we all stop criticizing each other and start loving each other? I mean, would it kill us to be nice for once?


56. Sleep in once in a while. Sometimes, it's good to be lazy.


57. Whining about your life will not get you any sympathy. voicing legitimate concerns will.


58. Smile. Everyone else will too


59. Take pictures of the everyday little things. Because, more often than not, those are the big things that matter.


60. Write down the special/funny moments you have. if you don't, you forget them.


61. It's okay to be dumb crazy and to have fun with life.


62. You are never too "mature" for anything. If you say you are, you're just being as immature as a two year old.


63. Never say to me that I can't do something. I will go out of my way just to prove you wrong.


64. Stop worrying aobut what others are thinking about you. they're too worried thinking about what you think of them!


65. Listen to those rousing speeches in movies. They're meant to inspire.


66. if you want to go do something, then go do it! What's stopping you?!


67. It's okay to be in love with people that don't exist.


68. It's okay to play make-believe once in a while. You did it for you whole childhood. it's a part of who you are.


69. it's okay to believe in fairies, dragons, unicorns, santa, and any other mythical beings. Belief is good for the soul.


70. There are good people still in the world. Why don't you be one of them?


71. Certain foods have healing powers. You know what they are for you. eat them on your off days.


72. Sometimes, the smallest actions mean the most. Like calling someone, or just being willing to listen to their problems.


73. If you're smart, use your smarts for good. Don't go flaunting it off. That's annoying.


74. It's okay to start singing along with songs. I do it all the time.


75. Go watch a movie from your childhood. Enjoy the nostalgia. :)


76. Choose good friends who will support you no matter what.


77. Lfe is an adventure! Go live it.


78. your life is your own personal story, like a book. And you are the main character. So make decisions readers would be proud of.


79. "It is our choices, Harry, that show us who we truly are, far more than our abilities." I have a feeling these next few are going to be famous quotes by people. After all, they said it better than i ever will.


80. "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." — Ralph Waldo Emerson


81. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." — Eleanor Roosevelt


82. "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." — Abraham Lincoln


83. "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."— Albert Einstein


84. "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."— Oscar Wilde


85. "Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere." — Albert Einstein


86. "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."— Ralph Waldo Emerson


88. "Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."— G.K. Chesterton


89. "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." — Anne Frank


90. "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right." — Henry Ford


91. "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured" — Gordon B. Hinckley


92. "You can either get through life by laughing or crying. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache." Marjorie Pay Hinckley


93. "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." — Albert Einstein


94. "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."— Winston Churchill


95. "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."— Mark Twain


96. "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default."— J.K. Rowling


97. "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." — Ralph Waldo Emerson


98. "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" — Audrey Hepburn


99. "Do or do not. There is no try." Yoda


100. If you have read all of these, I congratualate you. I also congratulate myself because I wasn't sure I had 100 little thoughts to write about. Granted, i cheated with the last 10 or so, but...I think those are quotes you need to remember. You now are one dollar richer. Go spend it wisely.

The Songs of my Life

Have you ever heard a song and you know it's meant for you? Or it perfectly relates to a mood you're in or a situation in your life? I have quite a few. But here's a few of my slice of life songs.

On My Own Les Miserables


I love this version. it's the version i grew up with. But I've felt like Eponine so many times it's not even funny. Granted, all my "lovers" are fake and live in my head, but...that's what Eponine does. She lives in her head.

The Story of Us


Given my somewhat disasterous relationship failure, this fits me so well somedays. I mean, it was going great..."then it all went down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tradgedy now." Taylor Swift is my hero.

For Good

I dedicate this song to all my friends. "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good." And I hope i've done the same for all of you.

Power

I don't remember what inspired me to do this, but I had this crazy idea: Create a Facebook event and let all your girl friends know how special and wonderful they are. Suddenly, a whole theme involving princesses sprouted in my head. And for a few days, it bloomed and blossomed into something I was super excited to share. So, finally, I mustered up the courage to create the event and I invited just 45 of my girl friends. (I added more as I remembered them, but that was the orginal invite number.) In the space of a week, almost 5000 people have been invited, and at the last count, 1, 142 people are participating.

I never imagined that it would grow to this size. In all honesty, I expected only a few of my friends to even respond. But they responded, and they invited their friends to join. And i'm sure those friends invited their friends, and so on, and so on. For me, it's crazy to think that I have the potential to influence almost 5000 people, and that i'm influencing over eleven hundred right now! It's crazy to think that I have power to make people realize that they are, in fact, princesses. and it's humbling as well. Humbling due to the fact that just one little idea I had grew into something so big. Proof that one person can make a difference. And right now, this person is me.

Friendship

This is gonna be a rather long post about friendship, just because it's been on my mind a lot.

Just last night, I hung out with some friends of mine. Now, these friends weren't my normal "hang out" group, so I was a little uneasy about being there. After all, these guys were a close group, and I was the odd man out (actually, there was a boy there who was literally the odd man out, but that's besides the point). Eventually, I got comfortable, and I had one of the most enjoyable nights ever.

I wondered this morning why that was. I mean, even though i knew most of them, I was not part of the group. I was merely friends with everyone in it. My conclusion? They wanted to be my friends. They wanted to accept me and have an enjoyable time with me. And usually, when I'm the odd man out this had been the case. Perhaps it has a lot to do with where I was raised. I don't remember anyone actually telling me I had to be nice to people, that just came naturally. And probably a lot of it has to do with everyone else being raised in my hometown. People are just nice and willing to be friends.

So when I went up to college, I don't know what happened to me. I became really good friends with my roommates, but at the expense of other people in my ward. I made friends in classes, but i never wanted to leave my roommates. A small part of that is I felt obligated to be with them because we were friends and we lived together. But, first sememster, it was a wonderful time. I would go back and relive it in a heartbeat.

And then things changed. Sure, i had expected some change to occur due to the semesters changing as well, but i had not anticipated the change that came over my roommmates. Two of them that I had met the summer before college and had become fast friends with the first semester had an attitude change. They never audibly stated it, but I felt different around them: unwanted, annoying. This was frustrating because I didn't know what I had done wrong. To the best of my knowledge I wasn't treating them differently.

So then I tried everything I knew how to do to get them to like me and want me again. I did everything from nice things to throwing tantrums. I started doing the tantrums (more of just staying mad) because that got more attention than the nice things. But i hated the anger and frustration I always seemed to feel. Even when we talked about it, the effects only last about a week before i got mad again. I discovered that I was jealous of the way they were treating each other, but not me. I thought after I knew that, i would feel better.

But I still was angry at them for (for lack of a better word) being jerks to me. I knew they could be nice and kind, but neither of them were letting anyone else enjoy their friendship. Part of this comes from them being best friends prior to coming to college. I had already gone through that phase of a "best friendship," the exclusive phase, long ago. I started to take their advice to hang out with other people, but I was mad they weren't doing the same.

I got out more; I did more things with my family, but none of these things seemed to make me feel better. I tried to put them out of mind when I was away, and they were genuninely happy to see me again when I returned from long vacations. But a few days later, the negitive feelings were back.

Normally, I can handle being excluded from groups, but when I've experienced friendship from them, and they suddenly take it away from me due to circumstances, I can't take it. It makes me question myself as a friend and as a person. Maybe it comes from being the youngest, but I work hard to make myself included. Once I know I'm in, I relax.

But I couldn't relax with them. Living with them made it almost impossible. Not to mention I was their ride to work, and they were starting to forget to thank me for picking them up and driving them down. I finally did the one thing I had been neglecting to do: I prayed and read my scriptures. Finally, though nothing had changed, I felt peace. Talking to friends and family helped too.

My sister and I had a conversation one night regarding my prediciament. She told me (after long explanations and crying and so on) that I was more mature in my relationships than my roommates were. And she was right. While they didn't do it all of the time, they pulled out the "I'm mature" card when we would have serious dicussions sometimes. And I was ready to punch them in the face and yell, "NO YOU'RE NOT!" I had speeches in my head that I was ready to deliver to them, and they were epic. Most of which were how that they didn't seem to trust each other as best friends, which they should have been WAAY over by this point. But I never said any of these things, firstly because they were mean, and secondly, I didn't really need to say them. they were aware they hadn't been as nice to me as they should have (I eavesdropped ocassionally). And then I wondered why in the heck they weren't fixing that problem. After all, if you're not aware of something, you can't change it or fix it. Being aware of a problem and not fixing it is like have a cut and not putting a band-aid on it.

I would have thought that any of this petty drama would have happened first sememster when we were getting to know each other, not second sememster when the friendships were well established. I don't know if they had a conversation or something that made them change their attitudes towards me, but I knew something had changed shortly after returning to college.

At any rate, I finally confessed my feelings to my room roommate and I didn't know what to do. I had tried EVERYTHING i knew how to do, and things still weren't changing. I guess I wasn't as quiet as i thought I was because they came in, and apologized, to an extent. But they told me not to care as much about what they thought.

I tried not to care as much, and this seemed to work. but then, on my birthday, they backed out on spending time with me. And I really was upset at them. First of all, they had filled my car with newspaper, hiding my presents in it, a sign of friendship. Then they told me they would meet me at the mall to go shopping/spend time together. I found out via my room roommate that they weren't coming. it was "too cold" apparently to wait for a bus. I intially told them I was mad they hadn't told me themselves they weren't coming, but I was seriously hurt. I had done nice things for their birthdays. The least they could do would be to return the favor. They didn't offer me that. I tried to put it out of mind, but I was still ticked at them for not coming.

At last, the year came to a close and I stopped feeling so angry and hurt.we even started acting like friends again. So what did I learn from all this? That people need to learn that you treat everyone like your best friend, what true friendship is (not spending time with one person and excluding everyone else), and that "mature" people need to grow up still. Actions speak louder than words, so if you want someone to be your friend, START ACTING LIKE IT. Saying one thing and doing another will only make you appear two-faced. It doesn't matter if you're not best friends, you treat each other like you are. If someone does something nice to/for you, you had better return the favor.

While I seem like I"m not to blame, the backfiring relationship is partially my fault as well. I didn't branch out enough and try and make new friends. I agreed with my rommmates' opinions because I wanted to be their friends and earn their approval. I need to be more assertive. I need to stand up for what I believe in. I had forgotten these things as I became their friends.

But the thing is, they needed me as a friend, and I needed them. I was confident, perky, loyal, had great self-esteem and, in my opinion, the perfect friend. They weren't as confident as me, and were FREQUENTLY talking about how "fat" they were. They weren't even anywhere close to that. and though they would say they had good self-esteem and were confident, I could see it in their eyes sometimes and the way they would carry themselves. And seriously? I couldn't STAND how they would talk about how fat they were (which they weren't). I couldn't stand how self-concious they were. If you really, honestly don't like something about yourself, you can change it. Yet here they were, talking about all their problems and NOT. DOING. ANTHING. ABOUT IT. And they got me in on the self-concious bit for a while.

But that's not who I am. I knew who I was back in eighth grade, when I decided I wasn't the shy quiet person. I was the loud, fun-loving girl that loved life and everything in it. And that decision erased all that negitive self-esteem problem. I didn't care what others thought about me. (to an extent. I care people think i'm nice. After that I don't care.) Yet how was it these two girl, who are both wonderful, kind, talented people, didn't know who they were? How could they know, and still doubt themselves? How was it possible they got this far in life without knowing who they were?

The hard part about finding yourself is...well, yourself. It's a personal journey, and even if others see the path for you, you have to find it on your own. That was what was hard for me. To see this potential they had, and they didn't even know it or use it. And I wanted to push them and make them see what great potential they had. But, like i said, it's a personal journey. No one can make it for you.

So what have I done? I've forgiven them for hurting me. That's what you do as friends, you forgive each other. I know they're my friends deep down. They just need time and space to figure things out.

What does all this have to do with the first story? That with true friends, you can go months, or years, without seeing them and when you get back together, it's like no time has passed.

Job

I just got back from my first job. and i'm surprised at how much i enjoyed it. I finally filled all my nothing time with something good, and i'm getting paid for it as well. the drawback is that I have to get up and be there at 7 in the morning. However, i'd rather get all the stuff done in the morning when it's cool than in the afternoon when you can fry an egg on your head.

We didnt do much today, due to it raining, so we cleaned our office. (oh i kinda maintain parks in my hometown so...y'know, hard to do when it's wet out) This was good though, because i got to meet all of my co-workers. So far, they all seem nice and willing to help me out.

The perk about my job? I'm done by 3:30, so my evenings are all free to do stuff with friends. and quite frankly, i'm glad I'm employed. So many other people are trying to find a job, and there just aren't that many. I feel blessed to have what i have.