A Year Ago

My mother died a year ago today. And I've missed her so much.
For some background info, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor almost 4 years ago. She underwent surgery and follow-up radiation treatment. and for about 9 months, we were cancer free. Then, she had a relaspse. My parents decided to do a type of chemothearapy that involved my mother going to Las Vegas for a week. And I had to go stay with my sister. Not that i didn't love her, but I was struggling. Because all the concern went to my mother. and I felt like no one cared about what I was going through. i hadn't told my friends about this because if i did, my friends would treat me differently. They would only be concerned with how my mom was doing, not me. It was definitely a hard time in my life.
that summer, it was one of the best summer's of my life. We spent a lot of time together as a family. We got family pictures taken, and it really balanced out my horrible feelings i had had earlier that year.
and then...the cancer came back. By this time, i had accepted the fact that we would be battling cancer a while yet. But my mother knew that her life was slowly coming to an end.
My mother lost her ability to walk, which was hard of all of us, but especially her. She had to rely on others to help out where she had been excelling for years.
And then July came. her health had slolwy been deteriorating, but finally, we had to accept that she was going to die. We all gathered together and said our goodbye's on friday. On Sunday morning, she passed away.
I will never forget how my day went. I woke to my dad coming in, announcing that my mom had passed away. And i was fine with it. i rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn't until my sister came in that it hit: my mom was gone. She was never going to make another meal, she would never make me another outfit that i would wear with pride. I would never come home to find she had bought me a pair of shoes to go with the outfit she just made. My mom was gone. and all that day, I cried on and off. My tears were probably surpassed on thursday, when we had her funeral.
Then I was faced with the one thing I had been dreading since graduating high school: college. Only three short weeks after losing my mother I was to move away from my family and friends, my whole world, and embark on that crazy journey called college. But despite my mother's death, I wanted to go. Maybe deep down I wanted to get away from home for a while. Escape the realization my mom was gone. But I had a great first year of college.
And though I lost a great deal I gained a lot: I gained new friends, lots of life experience, and, most importantly, two little nieces and two nephews I wouldn't trade for a million other things.


So, you're probably wondering, how am I doing? I'm doing alright. The funny thing about grief and loss is that the pain isn't on specific days. Like today for instance. Many people would probably be sobbing their eyes out. But I'm not. I'm actually surprised I haven't started tearing up yet. usually i do whenever I talke about my mom. The tears come on random days...and mostly at night. I don't know why they seem to come at night. and usually, it's on a day where nothing at all relates to my mom.


but I think the way someone dies is part of how you grieve. Like, if someone dies suddenly, you feel regret and remorse at all the things you never did or said. Or maybe it's just that you didn't get to say a proper goodbye. But you know they didnt suffer before they died. when it takes time for someone to die, you wish it would happen just so they didn't have to be in pain anymore. The only plus is that you can say goodbye, and come to terms with death before it even happens. But everyone grieves differently. And Death affects us all in different ways.
But I don't want to remember my mom dying today. I want to remember her living. I want to celebrate the life she led. And I want my life to be the same.


This is how I want to remember my mom. I love you Mom. Miss you lots.