Friendship

This is gonna be a rather long post about friendship, just because it's been on my mind a lot.

Just last night, I hung out with some friends of mine. Now, these friends weren't my normal "hang out" group, so I was a little uneasy about being there. After all, these guys were a close group, and I was the odd man out (actually, there was a boy there who was literally the odd man out, but that's besides the point). Eventually, I got comfortable, and I had one of the most enjoyable nights ever.

I wondered this morning why that was. I mean, even though i knew most of them, I was not part of the group. I was merely friends with everyone in it. My conclusion? They wanted to be my friends. They wanted to accept me and have an enjoyable time with me. And usually, when I'm the odd man out this had been the case. Perhaps it has a lot to do with where I was raised. I don't remember anyone actually telling me I had to be nice to people, that just came naturally. And probably a lot of it has to do with everyone else being raised in my hometown. People are just nice and willing to be friends.

So when I went up to college, I don't know what happened to me. I became really good friends with my roommates, but at the expense of other people in my ward. I made friends in classes, but i never wanted to leave my roommates. A small part of that is I felt obligated to be with them because we were friends and we lived together. But, first sememster, it was a wonderful time. I would go back and relive it in a heartbeat.

And then things changed. Sure, i had expected some change to occur due to the semesters changing as well, but i had not anticipated the change that came over my roommmates. Two of them that I had met the summer before college and had become fast friends with the first semester had an attitude change. They never audibly stated it, but I felt different around them: unwanted, annoying. This was frustrating because I didn't know what I had done wrong. To the best of my knowledge I wasn't treating them differently.

So then I tried everything I knew how to do to get them to like me and want me again. I did everything from nice things to throwing tantrums. I started doing the tantrums (more of just staying mad) because that got more attention than the nice things. But i hated the anger and frustration I always seemed to feel. Even when we talked about it, the effects only last about a week before i got mad again. I discovered that I was jealous of the way they were treating each other, but not me. I thought after I knew that, i would feel better.

But I still was angry at them for (for lack of a better word) being jerks to me. I knew they could be nice and kind, but neither of them were letting anyone else enjoy their friendship. Part of this comes from them being best friends prior to coming to college. I had already gone through that phase of a "best friendship," the exclusive phase, long ago. I started to take their advice to hang out with other people, but I was mad they weren't doing the same.

I got out more; I did more things with my family, but none of these things seemed to make me feel better. I tried to put them out of mind when I was away, and they were genuninely happy to see me again when I returned from long vacations. But a few days later, the negitive feelings were back.

Normally, I can handle being excluded from groups, but when I've experienced friendship from them, and they suddenly take it away from me due to circumstances, I can't take it. It makes me question myself as a friend and as a person. Maybe it comes from being the youngest, but I work hard to make myself included. Once I know I'm in, I relax.

But I couldn't relax with them. Living with them made it almost impossible. Not to mention I was their ride to work, and they were starting to forget to thank me for picking them up and driving them down. I finally did the one thing I had been neglecting to do: I prayed and read my scriptures. Finally, though nothing had changed, I felt peace. Talking to friends and family helped too.

My sister and I had a conversation one night regarding my prediciament. She told me (after long explanations and crying and so on) that I was more mature in my relationships than my roommates were. And she was right. While they didn't do it all of the time, they pulled out the "I'm mature" card when we would have serious dicussions sometimes. And I was ready to punch them in the face and yell, "NO YOU'RE NOT!" I had speeches in my head that I was ready to deliver to them, and they were epic. Most of which were how that they didn't seem to trust each other as best friends, which they should have been WAAY over by this point. But I never said any of these things, firstly because they were mean, and secondly, I didn't really need to say them. they were aware they hadn't been as nice to me as they should have (I eavesdropped ocassionally). And then I wondered why in the heck they weren't fixing that problem. After all, if you're not aware of something, you can't change it or fix it. Being aware of a problem and not fixing it is like have a cut and not putting a band-aid on it.

I would have thought that any of this petty drama would have happened first sememster when we were getting to know each other, not second sememster when the friendships were well established. I don't know if they had a conversation or something that made them change their attitudes towards me, but I knew something had changed shortly after returning to college.

At any rate, I finally confessed my feelings to my room roommate and I didn't know what to do. I had tried EVERYTHING i knew how to do, and things still weren't changing. I guess I wasn't as quiet as i thought I was because they came in, and apologized, to an extent. But they told me not to care as much about what they thought.

I tried not to care as much, and this seemed to work. but then, on my birthday, they backed out on spending time with me. And I really was upset at them. First of all, they had filled my car with newspaper, hiding my presents in it, a sign of friendship. Then they told me they would meet me at the mall to go shopping/spend time together. I found out via my room roommate that they weren't coming. it was "too cold" apparently to wait for a bus. I intially told them I was mad they hadn't told me themselves they weren't coming, but I was seriously hurt. I had done nice things for their birthdays. The least they could do would be to return the favor. They didn't offer me that. I tried to put it out of mind, but I was still ticked at them for not coming.

At last, the year came to a close and I stopped feeling so angry and hurt.we even started acting like friends again. So what did I learn from all this? That people need to learn that you treat everyone like your best friend, what true friendship is (not spending time with one person and excluding everyone else), and that "mature" people need to grow up still. Actions speak louder than words, so if you want someone to be your friend, START ACTING LIKE IT. Saying one thing and doing another will only make you appear two-faced. It doesn't matter if you're not best friends, you treat each other like you are. If someone does something nice to/for you, you had better return the favor.

While I seem like I"m not to blame, the backfiring relationship is partially my fault as well. I didn't branch out enough and try and make new friends. I agreed with my rommmates' opinions because I wanted to be their friends and earn their approval. I need to be more assertive. I need to stand up for what I believe in. I had forgotten these things as I became their friends.

But the thing is, they needed me as a friend, and I needed them. I was confident, perky, loyal, had great self-esteem and, in my opinion, the perfect friend. They weren't as confident as me, and were FREQUENTLY talking about how "fat" they were. They weren't even anywhere close to that. and though they would say they had good self-esteem and were confident, I could see it in their eyes sometimes and the way they would carry themselves. And seriously? I couldn't STAND how they would talk about how fat they were (which they weren't). I couldn't stand how self-concious they were. If you really, honestly don't like something about yourself, you can change it. Yet here they were, talking about all their problems and NOT. DOING. ANTHING. ABOUT IT. And they got me in on the self-concious bit for a while.

But that's not who I am. I knew who I was back in eighth grade, when I decided I wasn't the shy quiet person. I was the loud, fun-loving girl that loved life and everything in it. And that decision erased all that negitive self-esteem problem. I didn't care what others thought about me. (to an extent. I care people think i'm nice. After that I don't care.) Yet how was it these two girl, who are both wonderful, kind, talented people, didn't know who they were? How could they know, and still doubt themselves? How was it possible they got this far in life without knowing who they were?

The hard part about finding yourself is...well, yourself. It's a personal journey, and even if others see the path for you, you have to find it on your own. That was what was hard for me. To see this potential they had, and they didn't even know it or use it. And I wanted to push them and make them see what great potential they had. But, like i said, it's a personal journey. No one can make it for you.

So what have I done? I've forgiven them for hurting me. That's what you do as friends, you forgive each other. I know they're my friends deep down. They just need time and space to figure things out.

What does all this have to do with the first story? That with true friends, you can go months, or years, without seeing them and when you get back together, it's like no time has passed.