I don't know why, but I'm feeling...sort of like I'm missing something in my life. Like something that once was there is gone. Only I don't know what it is exactly. I just feel like there's this void. Like...maybe someone is missing.
It's not my mom, though. I cry whenever I miss her most.
Maybe I'm lonely and i don't realize it. Maybe I'm just looking at living life and not actually doing it. But it's my life. I should live it how i want to. Yet...it doesn't feel totally right. It feels...too lonely.
I guess I'm a social person. I love talking. But I think, deep down, it stems from being alone so much as a child. Sure, it was good. I can entertain myself when I'm home alone. But when I had the chance to talk, it was like, I had to get all of it out all at once. I want to be heard. I want to be known. I want my voice heard. And I want to know, above all, that someone cares enough to listen.
Stuffed animals and Barbies don't make the best listeners. Because their responses are what you want to hear. not what you need to hear. Not only that, but talking to yourself is deemed kinda crazy.
Maybe when I see people having fun, I feel entitled to have that same fun. And be with those people at the same time. Aren't I their friends? Do I not say, "Hey, text me sometime?" which means, invite me to fun stuff you do? It should be obvious that I want to come along for the fun. To get out and do...something besides nothing! I want to be included. I want to be loved.
How do I start living life again, not just looking at it, wanting it to be mine?
I was stuck in this same little circle at one point. When I moved away to college and even when I moved back home. I was so used to being in the same group of people and all of us always knowing what's going on. It's hard when people don't think to include you because it's something you're not used to, and you feel so stuck and no sure where to go. When I moved home, and even at school, I started planning the fun things, or texting people and saying, "hey, are you doing something fun tonight?" Usually I'd get invited to join, or I'd plan a game night or something and loads of people would come and bring their friends. I found that my circle of friends grew and although I wasn't doing routine fun things with a main group of people, I'd hear of something fun and think, "Hey, that would be fun to do with this person." And my circle of close friends just kept growing and growing. Be the initiator! You're a fun girl to be around, let people know that! Love ya cute girl!!!
ReplyDelete"text me sometime!" I may not be able to come up and hang out, but I have two willing ears and a willing mouth (and fingers) ready for socializing!
ReplyDeleteThis blog of your is taking off! :)
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I can answer that question for you, Nessa, seeing as I'm stuck in the bubble you described in the fourth paragraph. But I will echo what Missy said: Email or Facebook me if you ever want to talk.
Sami