Five years ago, during my last few days in high school, my English teacher had us write letters to ourselves. In five years, they would be sent to us and we'd be able to read them. Mine arrived recently, and I have to shake my head at eighteen-year-old me. She was trying to sound wise when she didn't have a scrap of wisdom. She wrote about things that once were important to me, but have since become treasured memories that I look back on fondly. The thing that gave me the most insight was my bucket list.
I'd forgotten there were so many things I wanted to do with my life, things that could be easily accomplished if I tried hard enough. Things I'd forgotten I wanted for myself.
But then I noticed something.
As I was thinking about what I'd written, it dawned on me how scared I actually was at eighteen. My first paragraph is all about not forgetting the people I hung out with at the time (and I'm still hanging out with them. No fear, past me!). It hit me hard: I was desperate for acceptance.
And then I realized the truth written between the lines of my vague attempts at sounding wise: I was terrified of the future. I had no idea what was going to happen next, and I had no idea what my life was going to be. I wanted some security as I moved on, and the only thing I could think to hold onto was my friends.
Looking back, it all makes perfect sense. I'd never given much thought to the future (still don't), and to think of myself in five years...to think of how much I could change and how much my friends would change. And, of course, there was the ever present fact that my mom was going to die at some point, and I would have no idea when that would happen or what that would even entail.
At eighteen, I was faking to be brave. I'd been doing it since I was fifteen, so it made sense to continue the charade as long as I could. But the fear's there, hiding behind the words and lurking in the blank spaces on the page. The fear that clearly reads: I am scared, and I'm tired of being brave. I'm scared of what the future will hold, and I'm scared I'm going to lose the only people who've been accepting me. And that fear shortchanged what I wanted for myself. The only clear thing I want in the future was on the bucket list. My actual letter contained no clear answers, and that's because I didn't have a clear vision of my future. And that scared me.
So, there's only one thing to do: write a letter back.
Dear me,
You can stop pretending everything is fine. I know your true feelings. You're sick and tired of being brave and putting on a brave face so no one will think anything's wrong with you. First off, nothing is wrong with you. Secondly, it's okay to be afraid.
The future's a scary place because we're constantly moving toward it, but we're never going to see it according to our expectations. Take a deep breath. You're okay. The future's actually not so bad.
You're scared because you don't know. You've always had school and family to provide you structure, and now that's going to change. It's not easy. But it's exciting because it's new. And you're going to enjoy it.
Now, onto some business.
You are always going to be a nerd. Your family is nerdy, your friends are kind of nerdy, so that's not going away anytime soon. Embrace it and love it because it makes life way more fun.
Your friends aren't going to drop and leave you. They love you for who you are. Trust them more.
Learn to know when a relationship isn't going to work out. You may like a person a lot. But if they're not reciprocating your actions to care about them, or if they're just downright nasty and rude and you can't stand it, don't hang around. You seeing the good in people is a wonderful quality. Don't ever give that up. But you don't need to be around people who aren't good for you. They just drag you down and it's not real friendship. They can still be good people and not be your friends.
Be who you are. Without apology. Own the fact you want to be an author. Don't be wishy-washy about it. You've know that's what you want to do since you were thirteen. OWN IT. It doesn't matter if people give you weird looks or think you're weird. This is what you are meant to do. It's a part of your soul.
Don't be afraid of getting a job. Yeah, speaking as your future self, this is something you gotta get over. Jobs may require work, yes, but they give you money...which allows you to get freedom or to buy things. Right now, it's going to be a kind of narrow field of vision for you, but expand your horizons a little. You can still be an author, you just need to have a job to bring in money in the meantime. It's not a bad thing to want money.
Don't be afraid of failure/getting into trouble. It happens sometimes. Sure, you can avoid both all your life, but how fulfilling is that going to be? Yes, it's important to avoid bad consequences. But it's also important to take risks to get to a greater reward.
Don't wait around for a man to make you happy. As your future, unmarried self, I'm here to tell you something important: marriage is hard. Motherhood is hard. And honestly, I think you want it because you think you're supposed to want it. And yes, deep down, you do want it for yourself, but don't let that be the thing that's going to give you the ultimate happiness. You're still going to be with yourself, with or without a husband, so the person you've really got to accept is yourself. And that's hard, too.
Say yes to the things you really want in life. Don't deny yourself happiness just because of a financial cost or a time cost. There's a time and place to be prudent, but there's also a time and place to give yourself something nice...because you deserve it.
It can seem like a lot, and it can seem overwhelming, but you can do it. I know because I'm you, and I got through it just fine. I may have gotten a few bumps and bruises, but it hasn't killed me yet.
You've done well to be brave for so long. But you can admit that you're scared with me. Let's go build a pillow and blanket for and be scared of the future together.
And when we're ready, we'll head out and face it.
Lots of love to you,
Janessa.
P.S. The bucket list is awesome. High five through time and space!
